Wednesday, 5 February 2014

Something More





































This Sunday was a beautiful day. The sun was shining over London and I had gotten paid the week before. So what did I do with my glorious Sunday? I wasted it away on a violent, painful and inevitable spell of depression. Think yoga pants without the energy to actually do yoga, endless cups of tea and puffy eyes. I did venture outside - I think the Tesco cashier was a bit frightened when I took my sunglasses off (I was debating with myself whether taking them off was a good idea, finally arriving at the conclusion that keeping them on indoors would make me look like someone who wanted to look famous but wasn't. As if a famous person would ever be in Tesco anyway).

My outspokenness about my depression is one of my most defining traits - most people know when I feel down (excluding work colleagues) and my blog, my outlet, isn't any different. I understand bloggers that don't feel like showing off "other" sides of their lives, the places where darkness lurks (as it does for absolutely everyone), the moments that aren't about new shoes, yummy dinners or "I am so blessed". But myself? Brutal honesty is my therapy. So here goes.


I have already discussed this feeling in this post. Since writing it, I've made my piece with the fact that I have no idea how to battle this. Over the years, I was certain that moving to California/Italy/London, getting a new job, a haircut, a boyfriend and my own magazine would cure it. It hasn't. All of these things have made me happy at some point and many of them still do. But none of it, and nothing else, has made that feeling of nothingness magically disappear.

I'm 30 and healthy, head-over-heels in love, living in the city of my dreams and working in a well-paid job with nice colleagues. I have my own online magazine and I'm planning my wedding. Life should be a constant party-hat joy-fest, especially when I think of other people, some of them my friends, and what they go through every day. But even though I recognise that everything is okay - great, even - there are still days, many days, when I wake up feeling hollow and empty and go through the day on the verge of tears, overcome with that anguishing feeling that "there's nothing here". It's not even about feeling sad or angry or lonely or upset. It's about feeling nothing. No passion, no spark, no hunger, no drive. It's like I'm watching other people live their lives from the outside, looking at myself and thinking "who is this person?" She's not someone I want to be. A lot of the time, she's not even someone I like.

I talked to a friend today about that constant need for adventure, for other things, for something else, for more. And while I was talking to him, I realised that, for me, this feeling is probably never going to go away. I look at people I know, famous people, people I read about, that in my eyes seem to be truly living: taking chances, exploring, achieving, filling their days with something, and I feel so painfully, enviously reminded of that constant sensation that I'm throwing away my time and my life doing nothing, feeling nothing, achieving nothing, exploring nothing. And I have always felt this way: my constant search for "something more" has carried me from country to country, from career to career, from experience to experience...without ever finding that "something more". I have found lots of beautiful and magical things for which I am eternally thankful, but not that.

Every day, I feel like my life should be different. I work hard to make it different and once it is, I feel like I'm still not there. Like I want more.

Since I started yoga, I've been really into meditation. But lately, the meditation exercises that I used to love tend to annoy me. Especially the ones on gratitude: they feel like settling. Of course I'm grateful for everything I have. But I refuse to let that be "it". I don't want to "be happy with what I have". I want different. I want something more. And I intend to bring that something more into my life, rather than just tell myself that I am enough, that I have enough - even if it's true. Enough is not good enough for me. I don't want "enough". I want groundbreaking amazingness.

Okay, you say, so go out and get it. 
Except that I have no idea what it is. Or how or where to find it.

I keep trying to find it - this is why I move countries every couple of years and change jobs like other people change underwear. But this is not a fleeting moment: it's actually how I feel most of the time. The problem is that wherever I go, whatever I do, I'm still the same.

Sometimes I try to actually ask myself what I want from life. I find that helps. Feeling this empty and miserable does have an upside: it's helped me understand who I am as a person and why I suffer. Namely because I desperately need things that are very difficult to attain, and don't always feel strong enough to go after them.

I want to travel all the time. Never stopping. I'm not talking about constant vacations (although wouldn't that be nice!) but about having a lifestyle that requires you to be travelling a LOT.

I want to write. Really write. Write things that move people and make them laugh and cry.

I want the world to stop pressuring me to live like a grown-up. I don't want kids right now and I don't know if I ever will. And that's okay. Not everyone was meant to be a parent.

I want to do interesting things, see interesting things, be invited to interesting things. But I'm held back by the niggling doubt that maybe I'm just not interesting enough.

I want to feel like my days are filled with something meaningful. And I don't want to "find meaning in what I already have": I want to add things that I don't currently have.

I don't want to just "see the beauty in the little things" - yes, that too, but I want big things. Huge ones. Revolutionary ones.

I don't want comfort. I want challenge.

I don't want security. I want adventure.

I don't want calm. I want fireworks.

I don't want "nice". I want fucking magnificent.

And I want my wants to dictate my life. Not my "have-tos".


Maybe this makes me arrogant or greedy. Could be. But this is who I am and what I want. And I think we all have the right to the life we want, but we also all have the duty to chase after our dreams. I'm just wondering if I'm meant to spend my entire life chasing.

Picture from Pinterest

8 comments:

  1. i love your blog! We share many sentiments. Been following your for quiet some time now.

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  2. Sascha... wow... I love this post. You are honest, brave and inspiring using your blog to speak total honesty and not just putting up a perfect idealistic image, like so many blogs do. I also want SO MUCH out of life and that's not a bad thing.... keep being so honest and owning your feelings. I think denying them is the only thing that makes it worse :) Thank you for posting this. xx

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  3. Did you think about writing your own book?
    Try joining some animal shelter and help out or any animal sanctuary. I find helping others human or non human a lot helpful for my soul. I don't have much and since i don't have much it still makes me so happy to help somebody.
    Try to focus even more on your magazine, it really can be revolutionary! I love your magazine and it has so much potential to become world wide known!
    All my life i feel like i am made for something bigger.. i never wanted to settle for regular things. I finally got some things that i wanted but now i also want all of that with something new. It is ok to want more, you need to follow your bliss so the universe can show you what you are truly made for.. :)

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    1. Thanks for a really nice comment.

      Yes, I've started writing countless books over the years. I've given all of them up because a) at some point I fall out of love with the story, just like I fall out of love with cities, careers and clothing styles (it's a miracle that I've managed to stay in a relationship for six years!) and b) getting published is so near-impossible that I always feel discouraged. The idea of self-publishing i.e paying for publishing your book depresses me and writing for myself and my five best friends isn't something I need in my life at this point (that's what I got the blog for!). But we'll see. Things may change on this one.

      I've done quite a bit of volunteering - I did weekends at a dog and cat shelter in Milan and worked with PETA here in London. It makes me feel amazing. But then it's the next day and all those warm and fuzzy feelings of divine awesomeness are gone.

      Thanks for the compliments on Vilda - it's my everything right now! I love it so much, it's like a baby to me. I feel like I want it to become HUGE right now - I really have no patience. Thanks :)

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  4. I pondered quite some time wether to comment on this post or not, it's a tricky topic! When you talk about wanting more for life you always find yourself having to choose between "settiling and being content with what you have" or " striving to get what you really want, which is more than what you have". Tricky indeed! I am thinking about this a lot. I find myself changing my mind from one week to another, or one day to another. One day I want something, the day after I want something completely different. Reading this post I'd say that you have much more clear ideas about your life and that you are in a good place knowing what you want at least from your sentimental life. That's something, a real accomplishment imho. I have been in and out of a relationship for the last 4 years and we're always on the edge of breaking up one day, and planning to marry in Las Vegas the day after. Anyhow.
    Have you ever heard of FOMO? It is not entirely related to your situation, but it is about our days and how we often face real life situations (read more about it here http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2011/04/14/fomo-addiction-the-fear-of-missing-out/) and I think it kinds of relates.
    Mind you, I don't want to diminish your feelings, but if you lived 40 years ago, you would feel like you are over achieving. You would feel like a super hero. You would feel like you're taking all of the opportunities in life and much more. The problem is that we are constantly faced with people doing things, things, new places, different lifestyles, advertising, we are always comparing ourselves to others. We take a little time looking into ourselves. If you are feeling that kind of empty inside feeling, it means that there is indeed something missing in your life. But you need to find what it is before doing all the things you have been doing for years consume you without you realizing what is that is really missing. It could be anything: it could be a deeper connection with your body, with your soul, with your mind, it could be that you need more contact with nature or anything else. It doesn't necessarily have to be something you thought would be THE THING your whole life. Sometimes we just bury things very deep, and it takes a lot of work to dig em up. I am on this path, too, so I sincerely wish you will find your peace of mind soon and be happy and relaxed! And that I will, too!

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    1. Yep, I've written articles on FOMO and it's definitely me.

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  5. You're certainly not alone! I'd really like to recommend that you read a book that helped me immensely in so many ways, and it might help you too. It's called "A New Earth" and it's written by Eckhart Tolle. Read it slowly, take it in, live it!
    -ES

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