11/02/2013

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Fashion month is here and while I should be OMG-ing with the rest of the high-heeled crowd, all I want to do is to crawl under the covers and watch Hart of Dixie. For a week or so.
I've had a lovely weekend with my best friend who's now heading back to Sweden, leaving me to wake up from the haze of happiness that has enveloped me these last two days and be brutally thrown against the grey concrete of real life.

Nobody ever blogs about feeling unhappy. People blog about bad things happening, sure, and heartbreak and Monday blues. But no one talks about being not happy with life, even if the feeling is only a whisper. It's somewhat of a taboo. Especially for someone who's almost 30 and changes her life constantly. Even so, Coffee and Heels is what I am, it's my life and my heart, so I see no point in holding anything back.

You're raised to believe you're going to be happy. The happily ever after is a goal we're all taught to strive towards. Somewhere along the way, happiness is waiting for us. We just have to figure out what we have to do to unlock it.

So you try. And fail. And try again.

Since I was at university, I've had a nagging feeling that fashion, studying it and pursuing a career in the industry, is making me unhappy. There's something about the shallowness of it that just makes me a bit queasy sometimes. Some days I can't believe that there's war, hunger, torture and animal testing going on in the world and yet here I am sitting and writing about skirt lengths and describing calf leather shoes I'd never wear myself because, well, they're calf leather. It's not my calling. Why did I stick with it for so long then, you might ask. Mainly because for a huge chunk of my life, I loved it. But now, with years and wisdom, all the magic sometimes vanishes into the wind and all that's left is the bitter yet necessary realisation that ultimately it's just a pair of shoes.

A part of me, a small, tiny piece, wants to do more the whole time.  Even when things are going well, like now, it's not enough because I still feel empty, like I'm not contributing, not creating, not "doing wonderful things with my one and only life", as I always tell others to do. So last week I got an idea for an amazing new project. Something that would be all mine, my little contribution to the world. I was in love with it; I was elated. For days, I lived and breathed this new idea I had. Then I got stuck. I couldn't find a name for it. Everything that I liked was taken, even names I'd dreamed at night. So for now, my beautiful little brainchild is parked in a corner, along with my spring shoes and my happiness.

And - this is so excruciatingly painful to admit - as much as I love, love, LOVE London, I can't honestly say I've found my place here. Sure, some days I'm living that "walk along Portobello Road in the sunshine sipping a soy cappuccino" dream I dreamed back in Milan. Most days, though, reality is quite dreary. Living in a flatshare is uncomfortable and messy. Waking up to grey skies and sleet is depressing. I despise the Tube with a violent passion. But most of all, I don't like knowing that my friends and family are all elsewhere (no, I can't just go there because they're not all in one place. They're all scattered. That's how lucky I am). I don't like knowing that my mother and sisters are planning my sister's wedding without me. I don't like knowing my friends are going out to dinner this Saturday without me. I don't like receiving Whatsapp messages saying "wish you were here!". Because all that does is remind me I'm not there. Which then makes me wonder what it is I am getting in return. And the more I look, the more I can't find it.

Thing is, I've been feeling like this my entire life. I think it's one of the reasons why I keep running, changing countries, jobs, locations, contexts. I always tell myself that this time, this city, this job, this place will be different. I will be different. My life will finally begin. But then everything stays the same and I have to realise, all over again, that the brand-new, shiny, glossy person I set out to become never really came to be. And that's when everything crumbles and I crave change once again. I'm a new-life junkie. Gala Darling talks about it here.

Most days there's a rather bossy voice in my head that says, "just stop caring about it! Just stop wanting more and get on with your life. You're young, healthy and in love. You have a job and a home. You have family and friends, even if they're not right next to you. What more do you want? Just be happy now, because later in life, when huge disasters come looming, you'll wish you'd enjoyed these days you refer to as "nothing" days. Get over yourself, girl."

And sometimes it works and then I am grateful for that voice.

Other days, I catch myself thinking, "but if I accept things as they are...wouldn't that be settling? And when I'm 80, won't I regret not having lived more? Knowing the person I am, won't I be sorry I settled for just a "normal" life?"

If my mother was here, she'd be laughing at my referring to my life as a "normal" life. To her, a woman's life isn't even a life if there's not a baby in it (please don't tell me to have a baby. I really, really, really don't want one right now. Unless what you really mean is a puppy). Plus, a normal life, really? Me? Four languages, five countries, countless jobs me? But even so, if my mother was here I'd just be really happy to have her here.

Right now, this Monday, in this very moment, the one thing I look forward to is seeing David. He makes me genuinely happy and he's the one thing in my life that's a million times better than everything I'd ever dreamed. The "dream guy" I fantasized about marrying when I was twelve doesn't even come close to how amazing my real-life future husband is. It's completely insane that he actually wants to be with me.   


...and then there's my new obsession.


Yoga.







Picture from Pinterest

9 comments:

  1. Mi sono venuti i brividi a leggere questo post,perchè potrei averlo scritto io...
    Questa continua ricerca di "altro"non è semplice da gestire,spesso mi è stato recriminato di non essere in grado di godermi le cose,di guardare sempre al futuro e la cosa triste è che è tutto vero.
    Ogni volta penso che quella "nuova cosa" mi renderà felice,completa,sarà il mio punto di arrivo,ma alla fine me ne stanco presto e sono di nuovo alla ricerca di qualcosa di nuovo.
    Ti senti mai come se fosse una ricerca senza fine?
    A volte penso che non sarò mai quella persona felice,soddisfatta ma che la mia vita sarà una continua ricerca,di porto in porto...

    Buona fortuna per il tuo nuovo progetto!
    Se è quello che ti rende felice buttati,sono inutili i discorsi sul lavoro sicuro,i soldi se non si è soddisfatti di quello che si fa!

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    1. Grazie, il problema é che NON HO IDEA cosa mi rende felice. Non ne ho la piú pallida idea. So che sono felice quando sto con le persone che amo...e quando cambio paese, cambio posto, inizio qualcosa di nuovo. Questo "progetto" non é altro che un sogno, poi appena é arrivato il primo ostacolo (il nome per questa nuova cosa che voglio fare...OGNI nome che mi veniva in mente era occupato, accidenti) mi sono bloccata. Non so se andrá avanti.

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  2. I sooo know what you mean, in eternal search of the right thing, hoping the next one would be the right one. Look at it positively, at least you have someone to accompany you, it surely does make a difference. Hope you'll find whatever you're looking for, even if it means settle for what you already have!

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    1. You're so right. I'm so lucky to have him.

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  3. I think everyone feels this way at times (or at least, I definitely do.. the majority of the time!) but it's never too late to reinvent yourself. Have you ever considered a different type of writing? Maybe make the transition into writing something you really care about? There must be vegan publications out there that aren't necessarily fashion focused, or more newsy publications along the lines of the guardian?

    Either way I hope you cheer up soon. London weather sucks, don't let it get you down too much xx

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    Replies
    1. Yes, there are. There are some lovely vegan and eco magazines out there. Unfortunately they're all in the US....and so tiny I don't even think the editors are getting paid.

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  4. Bellissimo post ...Immagine favolosa! In bocca al lupo per il nuovo progetto!


    XoXo

    Mary

    New Post-> http://www.modidimoda-mapi.blogspot.it/2013/02/luomo-sbagliato-e-quello-giusto.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Grazie, non so se ci sará un progetto...vedremo...

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  5. I totally understand where you are coming from Sascha and what you write relates to me a lot. Also I think a lot of us are guilty of the fact that we generally only write about nice/fluffy things on our blogs rather than the harsh realities so it does give readers a distorted vision of their life over others. I read a book recently called Happiness: the thinking persons guide and it was interesting in the fact that the author suggested that happiness isn't a right it is something you have to work at to achieve, a little like exercise I suppose! And the reason that a lot of people feel unhappy is that they believe that happiness, like sadness, just happens when it doesn't. You have to really get down to the bare bones of what makes you happy and this may change time and time again and there is nothing wrong in that. It's never to late to reinvent yourself. I am a good decade older than you and at the moment my hubby and I are going through some things in our work life which are not good so I know I need to reinvent myself again and find what really drives me. From the age of 7 I knew what I wanted to do with my life and I went full steam ahead into that profession, but I dropped out of my course for some stupid reason and for the past 20 odd years I have done many things and gained many other qualifications but my heart still harks back to what I wanted to do since I was 7. Hubby and I have spoken about it and I am going to reapply to college to do the course again and get back in the profession. Although we have some real rocky roads ahead, I feel as though a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. London as beautiful as she is, isn't the be all and end all and as long as you have David by your side, you will get through.

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